I am seated
in the salon having a time of my life enjoying someone else making me look
good. I grab a copy of the many lifestyle magazines they display around to help
us beat boredom or for freaks, to kill thoughts of the drier catching fire
while you are in it. I ease myself in the chair as I prepare to suck in all the
envy I’ll be feeling as I read about ‘perfect’ people with ‘perfect’ lives. He
is right there on the cover page, easily one of the few hot Luhya men around
seeing as he has a face that plasters perfectly on the glossy cover. If rumors
are to be trusted he is a loaded city tycoon with an entrepreneurial acumen
that is so very rare where I come from. It is not hard to see why he nailed the
beautiful (and controversial) highlands politician resting her head rather
lovingly on his generous chest on the colorful portrait that is the cover page
of the lifestyle mag. Then there’s the
catch; the headline reads: ‘Mrs. and Mr…’
Is the Editor of the mag a Feminist or what?! Good heavens! A catchy quote
further reads: “I can do anything to
protect my wife and family, even if it meant dying for them bla bla!”
Ove musiru sana.
If you know
the couple in the above scoop you definitely know there is something fishy,
something not so very right that informs my beef with Luhya men: where the heck does your manhood go to when
you get involved with women from the highlands? Why are all the good Luhya men,
sorry, sissies taken by women from the highlands?
The answer
to the latter could be that there are more beautiful women in the highlands
than in the rusty bundus of Western.
We can’t blame men for being rather visual, can we? Alternatively, I hear that
the only useful thing about the omundus
who find themselves in the highlands are their bigger than normal ‘Johnies’ (by highland standards).
Sissies who are good in bed, strange, right? I risk suffering from foot in
mouth disease since a good number of my male relatives too have opted for the
highlands. This is a personal rant; what is so wrong with us Luhya women that
our men are treated like ‘rugs’ in foreign lands while we treat ‘semejis’ like kings where we are
married/ dating from?
My best
friend has been piling pressure on me to find and date a fella from home; apparently it would be a ‘waste’ to take my kind
of genes to another county where ‘there already are too many other good women’.
The stereotypical Luhya man is a serial polygamist, a wife batterer and is painfully
un- ambitious. I wouldn’t be caught dead near a man who will not house his kids
well and take them to good schools. I can only breathe easy that my own dad
does not fall anywhere near that awful stereotype. I am not currently available
but a quick survey on campus revealed that the few civilized and dateable Luhya
men were already taken, by women from other counties of course! Yaani where was I when all the good
Luhya men were being grabbed?! It’s my loss if you know the kind of hot bodies
guys from Western have; combine that with a sharp brain and voila! Husband material.
Back to our
bros who decide to climb mountains; they never go back home, ever. No one knows
how their children look like or even their names. They suddenly develop an
affinity for the big cities and actually are the same idiots who ‘refuse’ to be
transported back home once dead. They live large in the cities but have no
structure to call a home in the villages and are normally built for ‘risee’ upon death. ‘Risee’ for those who do not understand
is an ugly structure made of plastic bags (preferably dirty) built (at night)
for the shame of a man who dies without having built his own house. Their kids
are no different; they speak atherere and
go by names like Kamau and Wanjiku. I am a Feminist but that is the height of a
man being ‘sat on’, it should never go to such extents.
Those who
make out of the mountains alive are a wrecked lot and live to tell tales of how
the house was emptied and everything including kids ferried to an unknown
destination by their dear highland wives. They receive beatings too and are
cheated on right, left and center (refer to our cover page couple at the
beginning). Men with their money and names are reduced to nothingness.
Back to us,
your women. Ni ki kya kuvura kya muhevwa
na Vaseve? When you people are broke like church mice you happily date and
marry your own but once you make money you go running after akina Ciru. Kwani mliskia sisi hatutaki pesa pia? Jinga. I know you people despise us and think we are
stupid, game less, submissive morons who should not live a good life. Here’s
the reality though, most of us are now educated and capable of setting
standards you will have to sweat to reach. We want our children to attend the
best schools around so quit laziness, alcohol, women and stupidity and go make
some real cash out there. We will live in leafy surburbs with you our dearest
Luhya husbands paying the mortgage, go out there and make cash like other men
do. I want my husband to have status so for the love of God go make some real
cash out there and buy you a Range Rover or a Merc. Btw, I have every intention
of attending clinic and delivering all our children in Aga Khan so you had
better work hard and acquire that private medical cover.
Look,
sweethearts, kill the idea that your women are stupid. We have brains and are
capable of helping you build that business empire you want to have. We are well
capable of raising the kids as you go for all those business travels. We will
work on our careers as well too. We will not litter your house with kids like
you think, we know about family planning. Oh, we are beautiful, and know you
would like us to be glowing and fashionable always. C’mon, we totally know how
to keep activities in the bedroom steamy too! Yes, I am a good, non- obligatory
cook! Are we submissive? We have been raised to respect our husbands though, as
long as you keep your end of the bargain. Divorce? Nah, most of us have been
raised staunch Quakers and marriage is forever, as long as you don’t dare beat
us up. Oh, pass the memo to our loving mothers- in- law too, random madharau from them will not be welcome.
One last
thing, we hate it that you people normally litter ‘outside’ children all over
before and after marriage; be advised that we will not be so lenient as to
allow brats to come take our children’s rightful place like it’s been
happening. Personally, only one ‘outside’ kid born before I met you is the much
I can allow. If you ever fancied polygamy too, forget. This MoU has no such
clause and any attempts to marry other women will result in a divorce that will
leave you penniless and wrecked. Get that clearly, we are not stupid. Use your
physical body advantage to give us maximum pleasure, not to beat us. I look
forward to mutual respect from now onwards. Let’s make you kings, shall we?
