KENYANS: STOP BEING RETARDS AND TAKE RAPE SERIOUSLY

I’m glad I am not on Twitter, I was spared from the savagely insane jokes that KOT treated the whole world to as they laughed about RAPE.Fucking rape. Fucking, criminal, dehumanizing rape. Are people seriously this dense? Which fucking retards would make memes glorifying a fucking rapist for being an embodiment of what Kenyan society perceives to be ‘real’ masculinity? Are you all insane? Do you fools know that there are under 13 years old teenage boys online picking cues about manliness from you fuckers? Cues that sex is only when it involves violating a woman? Do you know what sort of society you are turning this country into? Are you people seriously un-empathetic as not to know that someone saying they are in pain actually means they are in pain and the fucking stupid male should have stopped?

It is stupid. Apparently, according to men and A LOT OF WOMEN online and offline, she should have screamed and fought back in order for it to qualify as rape. Stupid. No one is questioning the violent language the male uses, no one is questioning why he did not stop. No one is questioning why the fucking moron recorded the entire thing in the first place. Yes, fucking rapists now have freedom to tape record their evil acts for KOT to gleefully laugh at.

Your stupid memes have taken power and dignity from women who are victims of sexual violence. Your silly, dense jokes are a permanent reminder of the shame that victims of sexual abuse have to through for the rest of their lives. It is not enough that women are being raped on a daily basis in this country, you and your stupid memes are reminding these women each and every day of the violation they have gone through.

And rapists are walking scot free.

They are in suits and ties probably feeding off the KOT glory and planning to rape more women. And more children. Fucking retards. They are waiting to tell women at their places of work they can’t get promotions unless they sleep with them. They are plotting to rape hardworking Kenyan businesswomen before they think about agreeing to a business deal. Fucking morons. They are on golf courses fresh from raping their poor house helps. Power insulates them, KOT glorify their ‘manly’ acts.

All these women have had their dignity stripped off and cannot speak up and seek for assistance because morons are on twitter and IG making memes that further victimize the victims of sexual abuse. Fuckers in uniform were also stripping and photographing underage schoolgirls the other day. And morons online fed on the travesty and made more memes. Care about the minor’s feelings and dignity were thrown to the wind. Because according to the morons that reside on twitter, sexual violation is a joke.

And how exactly are rape victims supposed to go to the same policemen to report rape? Oh, the hell. Memes are not enough. One has to go to the police to recount their ordeal to a random police officer who will ask questions about dress code, time and circumstances of the rape and so forth. Stupidity. It is not enough that you were raped, you are supposed to account for the rapist’s actions too. You are supposed to justify why you took your lone self to a lone path and tempted the poor rapist. Detectives on twitter will also ask why you invited the rapist to your house in the first place. They'll ask why your cries for the male to stop do not meet their degree of rape. Fucking morons. If I invite a male to my house it is supposed to be a getaway for them to rape me? Are you people for real? Don’t you fucking know that rape is rape, whether it was done by a boyfriend, husband, a friend, boss or whatever. You morons are lying to us that rape only happens in dirty slum alleys by jobless men only. And fools are raping women in their offices and high-end apartments yet nothing is being done to them. Fuckers are beating women to a pulp. Fuckers are infecting innocent women with deadly STI’s daily. And they crowned as studs. Because you have cowered rape victims into shame.

You have reduced women to objects that can be violated at will. And you want to turn them into subjects of your memes. Stupidity.

I cannot take a walk to a shop at night because: KOT have given Mollis and his ilk the power to rape me. Any female. I cannot go to a party and enjoy my drink because: Mollis and his ilk are lurking by waiting for me to pass out and rape me. If I don’t pass out soon enough they’ll put drugs in my drink then proceed to rape me guilt free. Because KOT thinks raping a woman is being Macho. Because if I dare come out publicly I’ll be shamed for being a drunk whore who let herself be raped. Mollis on the other hand is a hero. Because fuckers calling themselves KOT are normalizing rape with their hash-tags.

Women residing in hostels off campus at my school get raped at a regular basis. They cannot report out of shame and fear of stigma. They have to carry their burden and that of the rapists. They are all blanketed as loose women who risk themselves by going out and returning late. You are all fucking retards. We have classes that sometimes run late into the night. These ladies have to use the fucking library then walk to their hostels late. Women have to live in eternal fear of rape as they walk home from a hard day’s work? Yes, some of them go out and come back late, what, do men go to clubs and return to the house at 7pm? Y’all fuckers and your memes should shut up. Do you want women to eternally lock themselves in their houses, never to have a social life because you have given power to rapists? Because the government cannot come around to coming up with systems to ensure rape victims get the justice they deserve.

That the fucking government can’t provide security for women? Because the police cannot prosecute rapists? That women have to be raped over and over by the same men, have tapes of the rape circulated, endure the humiliation online and have to face the fucking rapists for the rest of their lives? Do you people know it is absolutely off that women cannot walk free at any time of their convenience in this country? That we essentially are a rape society? That beasts called rapists are roaming freely waiting to pounce on more women and children. Do you know in civilized societies women can do whatever, whenever, wherever and no one touches them regardless of what time it is?

We are a toxic society, CNN, anyone? This is one truth they should pick up and thoroughly shame this country. We have abandoned poor women in the villages and towns at the mercy of rapists. We strip of them on the streets and make video clips of the violence. We slap them in our big offices and still retain our positions of power. And KOT makes memes that take the weight off our sins. We have refused to face our demons and reform our filthy society. We have no value system left- we glorify swindlers who call themselves ‘bishops’, we glorify fucking rapists, and we glorify corruption. We are barely analytical and hide behind fake humor and shallow twitter memes. What is this, kindergarten? Everything is not a joke y’all. Indeed so many things that happen in this country require sober, logical analytical and problem- solving techniques. Societies are not constructed online. That stupid virtual army called KOT will amount to nothing if all you do is joke and not come offline and solve problems like real people do. You are not children. Use your brains and contribute actively to reform this country.

Corporates in Kenya.

A cable tv company actually had the guts to jump on the Mollis bandwagon and try to cash in from the rape jokes on Twitter. Fuckers. Women in this country give their money to the business community for what, to be turned into further money minting objects through glorifying rape? Who are you people? Do you seriously take us for morons? What have corporates done so far to help prevent violation of women in this country? How many of them are writing cheques regularly to Nairobi Women’s hospital to help them take care of rape victims and help pursue justice for them? How many of them are implementing workplace policies against sexual violence? Why does the business community watch in silence as women are turned into nothingness in this country? How many companies have CSR programs to support rape victims or NGO’s that cater for these women?

Media.

Fuckers. How dare national newspapers publish the half-naked pictures of a teenager stripped by police? Is this where media ethics has come to? Why is it hard to differentiate the drivel published by gutter press and mainstream newspapers nowadays? Why do media houses run pieces of news that constantly question the validity of rape victim’s statements? Do media house now subscribe to misogyny as an editorial policy? Why do they run stories that glorify the lives of rapist politicians and businessmen and how their ‘hard work’ is at stake due to their rape cases? Why, Kenyan media, do you empathize with offenders and turn rape victims to be the ‘bad guy’? How dare you people run the fucking KOT memes victimizing rape victims as news stories? Bullshit.

Politicians.

My cuss word count is not sufficient for this gang of Kenyans and their DIRECT participation in perpetuating the rape culture in Kenya.Fucking MPigs. Fucking Senators. Fucking Women reps who are changing weaves and swinging on planes for fucking overseas trips when poor Kenyan women are being violated. Fucking Governors drawing huge allowances when there’s no counseling centers for rape victims in counties. Fucking MCA’s. Fucking evil, corrupt thieves called the government.

My daughter is not going to come into this world and be part of this stupid rape culture Kenyans are creating. My son will not grow up in a society that encourages sexual violence against women as the definition of manhood. Stop trivializing rape and make offenders come to book. Stop your stupid jokes, you are in-dignifying poor women who have gone through the dehumanizing act of rape.

STOP RAPE NOW.

C’MON LUHYA MEN; C’MON!

 

I am seated in the salon having a time of my life enjoying someone else making me look good. I grab a copy of the many lifestyle magazines they display around to help us beat boredom or for freaks, to kill thoughts of the drier catching fire while you are in it. I ease myself in the chair as I prepare to suck in all the envy I’ll be feeling as I read about ‘perfect’ people with ‘perfect’ lives. He is right there on the cover page, easily one of the few hot Luhya men around seeing as he has a face that plasters perfectly on the glossy cover. If rumors are to be trusted he is a loaded city tycoon with an entrepreneurial acumen that is so very rare where I come from. It is not hard to see why he nailed the beautiful (and controversial) highlands politician resting her head rather lovingly on his generous chest on the colorful portrait that is the cover page of the lifestyle mag.  Then there’s the catch; the headline reads: ‘Mrs. and Mr…’ Is the Editor of the mag a Feminist or what?! Good heavens! A catchy quote further reads: “I can do anything to protect my wife and family, even if it meant dying for them bla bla!”

 

Ove musiru sana.

 

If you know the couple in the above scoop you definitely know there is something fishy, something not so very right that informs my beef with Luhya men: where the heck does your manhood go to when you get involved with women from the highlands? Why are all the good Luhya men, sorry, sissies taken by women from the highlands?

 

The answer to the latter could be that there are more beautiful women in the highlands than in the rusty bundus of Western. We can’t blame men for being rather visual, can we? Alternatively, I hear that the only useful thing about the omundus who find themselves in the highlands are their bigger than normal ‘Johnies’ (by highland standards). Sissies who are good in bed, strange, right? I risk suffering from foot in mouth disease since a good number of my male relatives too have opted for the highlands. This is a personal rant; what is so wrong with us Luhya women that our men are treated like ‘rugs’ in foreign lands while we treat ‘semejis’ like kings where we are married/ dating from?

 

My best friend has been piling pressure on me to find and date a fella from home; apparently it would be a ‘waste’ to take my kind of genes to another county where ‘there already are too many other good women’. The stereotypical Luhya man is a serial polygamist, a wife batterer and is painfully un- ambitious. I wouldn’t be caught dead near a man who will not house his kids well and take them to good schools. I can only breathe easy that my own dad does not fall anywhere near that awful stereotype. I am not currently available but a quick survey on campus revealed that the few civilized and dateable Luhya men were already taken, by women from other counties of course! Yaani where was I when all the good Luhya men were being grabbed?! It’s my loss if you know the kind of hot bodies guys from Western have; combine that with a sharp brain and voila! Husband material.

 

Back to our bros who decide to climb mountains; they never go back home, ever. No one knows how their children look like or even their names. They suddenly develop an affinity for the big cities and actually are the same idiots who ‘refuse’ to be transported back home once dead. They live large in the cities but have no structure to call a home in the villages and are normally built for ‘risee’ upon death. ‘Risee’ for those who do not understand is an ugly structure made of plastic bags (preferably dirty) built (at night) for the shame of a man who dies without having built his own house. Their kids are no different; they speak atherere and go by names like Kamau and Wanjiku. I am a Feminist but that is the height of a man being ‘sat on’, it should never go to such extents.

 

Those who make out of the mountains alive are a wrecked lot and live to tell tales of how the house was emptied and everything including kids ferried to an unknown destination by their dear highland wives. They receive beatings too and are cheated on right, left and center (refer to our cover page couple at the beginning). Men with their money and names are reduced to nothingness.

 

Back to us, your women. Ni ki kya kuvura kya muhevwa na Vaseve? When you people are broke like church mice you happily date and marry your own but once you make money you go running after akina Ciru. Kwani mliskia sisi hatutaki pesa pia? Jinga.  I know you people despise us and think we are stupid, game less, submissive morons who should not live a good life. Here’s the reality though, most of us are now educated and capable of setting standards you will have to sweat to reach. We want our children to attend the best schools around so quit laziness, alcohol, women and stupidity and go make some real cash out there. We will live in leafy surburbs with you our dearest Luhya husbands paying the mortgage, go out there and make cash like other men do. I want my husband to have status so for the love of God go make some real cash out there and buy you a Range Rover or a Merc. Btw, I have every intention of attending clinic and delivering all our children in Aga Khan so you had better work hard and acquire that private medical cover.

 

Look, sweethearts, kill the idea that your women are stupid. We have brains and are capable of helping you build that business empire you want to have. We are well capable of raising the kids as you go for all those business travels. We will work on our careers as well too. We will not litter your house with kids like you think, we know about family planning. Oh, we are beautiful, and know you would like us to be glowing and fashionable always. C’mon, we totally know how to keep activities in the bedroom steamy too! Yes, I am a good, non- obligatory cook! Are we submissive? We have been raised to respect our husbands though, as long as you keep your end of the bargain. Divorce? Nah, most of us have been raised staunch Quakers and marriage is forever, as long as you don’t dare beat us up. Oh, pass the memo to our loving mothers- in- law too, random madharau from them will not be welcome.

 

One last thing, we hate it that you people normally litter ‘outside’ children all over before and after marriage; be advised that we will not be so lenient as to allow brats to come take our children’s rightful place like it’s been happening. Personally, only one ‘outside’ kid born before I met you is the much I can allow. If you ever fancied polygamy too, forget. This MoU has no such clause and any attempts to marry other women will result in a divorce that will leave you penniless and wrecked. Get that clearly, we are not stupid. Use your physical body advantage to give us maximum pleasure, not to beat us. I look forward to mutual respect from now onwards. Let’s make you kings, shall we?

A LUO MAN, A PERFECT MAN

 

He walks into the room and expertly scans the surroundings with one sweeping look. I am sure he is headed straight for me; his chin is poised at angle perfect enough for him to maintain a rather intimidating eye contact with me while seemingly smelling his own aura. His Hugho Boss cologne does the introduction for him metres before he even reaches me. He is tall, reasonably well built and with a richly dark skin that makes his facial features even more striking. He has glasses on; expensively- rimmed glasses. He is in a tailored official outfit that fits perfectly on his ‘Sauti Soulish’ body; two buttons deliberately left open to reveal an expensive piece of jewelry resting on that well- chiseled chest. His shoes, oh, those shoes! It has to be real leather, brown leather. With one hand inside the pocket, he casually glances at his Rolex watch momentarily shaking his arm and adjusting it to a position where he can check the time clearly. His steps seem to be following a well choreographed motion running through his mind, he owns every step he makes. In my mind I am adjusting that stray hair that seems to be out of place and refreshing my lipstick. I even practice that perfect cheese smile I always have on while in front of the mirror alone! In reality though, I am dazed; my eyes are on a drool. My heart is threatening to pop out of the chest and my entire being wants to bow before this fine bro and ask him to do with me as he pleases. He has had me even before hello!

 

With his arm fully stretched out for a firm handshake:

“Hello jaber, may I please have the honour of sharing your beautiful company over lunch?”

 

(Awkwardly smiling from cheek to cheek) “Hi, I do not mind company either.”

 

“I am Ian, Ian Mark O’dek*. My peers refer to me as Counsel O’dek though. May I know your pretty name?”

Sigh. They always have important- sounding names; it’s always two English names. He pronounced his surname with a stress on the first part, making it sound like some exotic designer brand. Notice that their careers are an informal part of their names too, if he doesn’t mention what he does within ten seconds of meeting you, he is not Luo.

 

“I’m Vilma, pleasure to meet you.”

 

Hehehe! Now now, it is not every day that I pronounce my first name like that, this is not just any man! My ‘A’- game always surfaces from Lord knows where when a Luo guy is involved. My English is at a personal best with words rolling off my tongue like I swallowed some goddamned Dictionary!

 

“That’s a unique and beautiful name jaber, sounds like a name from a well cultured family. So what do you do?”

 

“Thanks, I am in my final year in campus. I am taking a Finance Major.”

 

“Excellent! Beauty with brains, as a matter of fact I have always fancied Bankers and people in that sort of field. I might consider Public Finance for my second Masters degree.”

 

*Eye roll*. I now know he already has his first Masters degree without even asking! He glanced at the menu with a familiar casualness perhaps to indicate he is used to eating at such places, almost paying no attention to the prices section. It’s a Scottish restaurant in Kisumu, I was to have an interview with someone who ended up stuck elsewhere and this happy accident in the name of O’dek happened! He motioned the waiter and asked me to place my order first. He ordered for drinks as we awaited our food to be served; I do not remember the pronunciation of the wine’s name but all I know is that it’s the smoothest wine to pass my throat yet! A gentleman with refined taste;

 Charmant.

 

Let’s not kid ourselves ladies, when a man, any man for that approaches you, he has a clear plan; a plan to sleep with you. When a Luo man approaches you however, he has a detailed blueprint in which he reconnoiters through all that art has placed at his disposal to get you get you drooling, flat on your a*s and begging him to take you to ‘heaven’; a heaven whose directions only Luo men can maneuver! He was too good to be true; but Luo men are always like that- putting up a show is their lifestyle. The lunch entailed me getting unsolicited information about the law firm where he is a partner, his investments and an array of companies he had consulted for. At some point he got up to bring some documents he wanted to go through over lunch from his Subaru parked outside. He clearly stated that the car in which he had left his documents in was a Subaru but he preferred driving a Merc that was still at the garage! That’s the much nerve of bragging I had to put up with. I took the chance to Google his name and holy sh*t! Everything he had said about himself was true!

 

I picked his brains on a broad range of issues from CBK’s Eurobond and its potency to matters Baba. He had no ring on but I had a strong feeling he was a taken fella. A man this crisply polished cannot stay single in a city full of well endowed women like Kisumu. Surely he must have seen plenty of other women before me and one of them must have scored his heart if not his hot self! After the lunch he insisted on taking me back to school, something I vehemently objected to given that being seen alighting from a Subaru at school is the easiest way to joining the dreaded ‘divas’ list. He however insisted that I take a cab, that his future ‘ex- wife’ couldn’t ride a matatu! The charming nerve! Soon after i left I asked the cab driver to refund me three quarters of the fare and let me take a Mat back to school, what a wasteful culture these Luo men have! That guy is too good for me to step anywhere near him again. Anything good about a man always spells trouble. Counsel O’dek made it to my blocked calls list faster than it takes you to say plair! A ‘normal’ man ought to have flaws, many flaws. He should walk clumsily and wear a belt that mismatches his outfit. A ‘normal’ man should be ‘broke’! A ‘normal’ man should have a bit of a beer belly, not fiercely ripped abs! I mean, since when did Lawyers start caring about visiting a gym?! A ‘normal’ man should not generate a load of Google search results! Sorry counsel, you are a Luo, sorry, perfect man. I do not do perfect!

 

*Name changed for anonymity.

 

 

 

GOOGLE’S CHOICE: ‘ALTERNATIVE READERS’ AWARDS!

 

In the Arts business emotions rule; you have to elicit a reaction from your audience whether positive or negative- either way you will have succeeded as an artist. This week I received a surprise email from a reader in Netherlands! Never mind that the much I know about that country is the goddamned ICC, Van Persie and the stories I read about the red- light streets of Amsterdam. A quick check on my Google audience statistics reveals that my second biggest audience after Kenya is Netherlands followed by South Africa, Germany, USA and a host of other countries. As a Writer it’s very easy for one to remained wrapped in their own little world in the name of ‘writing for oneself’ forgetting that that your audience could be so diverse. I have no idea how people from outside Kenya are able to follow my blog as I always find myself writing in ways only local audiences are used to. The beauty of Literature however is that the audience still has the freedom to have their own interpretations.

 

Hallo Netherlands! Hoe gaat het met jouw? I received an email from a kind Dutch lady responding to an earlier post I did about enduring cramping and the African connection. She has never been to Africa but says she knows much about Kenya from the ICC and the famous ‘Safaris’ in the Maasai Mara and other game reserves in the country. She even wrote a few Swahili sentences albeit with broken grammar but it was all very refreshing! She wants me to write more about African women and our ‘daily struggles’, whatever that means. If you come down to Africa, the average young female leads a life more less the same as ladies in Amsterdam or any other European city. We are all going through stuff like education, careers, dating, family, motherhood etc. Our men are more adventurous though, if you know what I am talking about! Kenya is a beautiful country with warm and kind people. Visit us more and eat some delicious nyama choma and drink the totally smooth Kenyan beer, Tusker! The sandy beaches in Mombasa should sound like a plan too once winter sets in back there. Heel hartelijk bedankt! You take the honors in the premiere ‘Alternative Readers Awards’!

 

At second place is the rainbow nation, South Africa. Forget the abrasiveness Kenyans on Twitter displayed when there was tweefing between the two countries the other day, here you are loved wholeheartedly. Guys, I know my surname is popular among the Xhosa people of S. Africa; it is also found among the Luhya people of Kenya! I love the beautiful connection my own name creates between the two nations. Save for the clicking sounds, some Xhosa words sound similar to Luhya words; I will leave for Anthropologists to establish the source of these similarities. We all loved and adored the late Nelson Mandela and yeah, Dstv is a big deal here. Our capital city is Nairobi not Kigali and the current president is Uhuru not Museveni! There is Africa beyond South Africa guys, enough with the ignorance, visit the rest of us! Uh oh, before I forget, S. African comedian Trevor Noah is totally cute and funny! Shout outs to him!

 

Up next is Berlin, wie geht es ihnen? Thank you for gracing my humble blog with your readership too. Borusia Dortmund is my favorite team in the German Bundesliga and the Volkswagen my all time favorite vintage car. If I were to name the features on DW Tv that have left me in awe about German technology it would require a whole blog post! Mesut Ozil, apart from his football prowess has cute eyes too! I might just support Germany in the upcoming world cup courtesy of him. Visit Kenya and enjoy great holidays down here, tell friends to tell friends- Karibu Kenya!

 

We hate to love you guys- Kenya is a USA prototype of sorts. A good number of things back here, including our music and even the constitution are modeled on the lines of USA. We hate the Obama connection- it reminds us everyday how our own leaders make us look bad even in the eyes of our son, Obama. Tech giants like Google, MS etc dominate here and so is the whole Coca cola- Pepsi drama. Heck, there’s even Kentucky chicken being served all over Nairobi. Our athletes dominate all your major city races and you know what, those are chosen from the amateur team squads! Kenyans are as critical as you people and ummm… could you kindly remind Kenyans living there to drop the American twang once they land at JKIA? We totally hate it. We speak Swahili, native languages and Standard English thanks to British colonization; questions about whether we speak ‘African’ will not be entertained. Africa too is a continent, not a country; helooo? There is life beyond the USA, travel and see the beauty that is Africa. Talking of travelling, a certain American Facebook friend of mine once asked me if we play with Lions and Leopards in our backyards like you play with dogs. I forgive her. Thank you for reading my blog USA, objective criticism will be very much welcome to help me grow as a Writer!

 

Jambo Kenya!  I refuse to rank you guys- you are this blog and this blog is you! Special shout outs to my campus, Maseno University. I totally appreciate the curious stares I get from people on the streets and to those who walk up to me to express their views about what I write about, thank you a lot! To my friends like Abdi who reads almost each of my pieces and offers me invaluable counsels towards my writing, thank you! To people who I have never met but religiously read every single piece and encourage me on, I am lost for words. Thank you my loyal readers like Faith, Flo, Ambrose, Joe, Crispin, Karen, Chema and each every one of you who read in anonymity. Thank you. You are the spirit that keeps this small community alive!

 

To my best friends Njeri and Barbs who think I am a total Writing genius, thank you sweethearts. To my mom who is always in awe anytime she ‘accidentally’ reads my blogs when she borrows my laptop, thank you so much! All these brains and mastery of the Queen’s language is courtesy of the good genes you bestowed upon me! To my two brothers Nelson and Menelik who secretly say that their sister is a genius, asanteni sana. I love you big boys; to Menelik, how you manage to retrieve my hidden documents and mess them up is totally appreciated too!

 

I hope to keep writing and tell stories that will not only be entertaining but inspiring too. I would appreciate getting feedback from you guys especially when I do those totally ‘sh*t’ posts that are a pain to readers, I want to write not only for me but for you too! One world, one love, one blog! Thank you ‘Alternative Readers’ from whichever part of the world you may be in.

 

 

 

 

21 AND OVER? SINGLE? THIS IS FOR YOU

 

This article is for women who fit in the above- mentioned category. Ladies, welcome to the members club. Feel free to order for anything, bill on me. I am normally a teetotaler but for today I’ll be having a triple dry Martini. I suggest you do double tots and above too, this is not a story fit for the sober mind. This is a story we should all forget once we are sober and back to our lives, inspired by the Oprah Winfrey show. This is not a story ‘True Love’ will ever tell you. It is not a story ‘Eve Sisters’ will tell you. Nevertheless this is a story we all have to hear. All clear, I hope there is no man still around. Twende kazi:

 

Disclaimer: This article is in no way meant to suggest that all that women should do on earth is fight to escape singlehood. It is still the story of our lives though. I am assuming all the women participating in the quiz are straight and easy on the eye.

 

Quick questionnaire. All sections have to be filled clearly in capital letters, bold and underlined where necessary. Blanks will not be entertained.

 

1. When was the last time a total stranger hit on you, asked for your number and invited you out for a REAL DATE? (Please stay informed that ‘total stranger’ does not include men on social media, men you met in bars, married men, colleagues or schoolmates).

If it’s more than three months ago take your first shot within two seconds and feel free to say any cuss word. What a misogynistic world we live in!

 

1. Do you suddenly feel empowered to hit on men too? When was the last time you hit on a guy? (This includes conscious flirting, unnecessarily complementing him, offering to cook/ clean for him etc).
   If your response is positive, make your drink a triple and ask for lemon slices from the bartender.
    
2. Do you have a gang of girlfriends you hang out with regularly? Do you have ‘ladies night/day out’ where you spend time trashing your ex’s and men in general?
   If you answered in the affirmative, you should get a front row seat as the session proceeds. Feel free to start drinking your Vodka straight from the bottle.
    
3. Do you suddenly feel empowered to have several random flings purely for sex? Are you warming up to the idea of ‘friends with benefits’? Do you objectify men?
   If yes please move to the counter.
    
4. When was the last time you got a freebie from a man out of pure kindness? I am talking free drinks at the club, unsolicited airtime/cash, offer to pay bus fare etc?
   If you find yourself creasing your forehead to answer this question please proceed swiftly to the next question.
    
5. How busy is your phone apart from work- related matters? (Please let’s kindly keep juvenile things like WhatsApp/FB/Twitter notifications out of this). Does your phone only get busy during weekends as team mafisi look for random women to kill the cold with? Do the supposed men who hit on you only call and text during weekends or holidays?
   Positive? Drink on sister, drink on.
    
6. How is your dress sense now compared to say, 3 years ago if below 25 and at least 7 years ago if above 25? Would you describe your fashion sense as bold? Are you daringly showing more skin now?
   Showing more skin? You should be crawling back to your seat.
    
7. How many concerts have you attended so far with the sole purpose of getting a possible boyfriend? Do you hang out more solely to get hit on by men?
   Your fears affirmed? Your leg should be resting on a crate of cold Whiskey by now.
    
8. Are you quick to read/watch/listen to material that purports to be ‘relationship advice’? Wait, how quickly did you click on this link?!
   If you are a ‘relationship advice’ junkie, you are in a good position for the honors today, proceed on.
    
9.  Do you get critical anytime you are invited for a wedding? Do you find yourself making divorce- related or any negative statements about the newly- weds at weddings?
    
   Yes? Silly, marriage was ordained by God not you.
    
10.  Do you ‘hate’ love? Do you make statements to the effect that love is an illusion/ non- existent etc? Do you say things like ‘love is a decision, not a feeling’ etc?
    Do you honey? This is bad news.
     
11.  Do you hate getting invited to baby showers? Do you think it is becoming a tad too common and is ‘interfering’ with your schedule? Do you find yourself asking when you’ll have your own baby too when shopping for diapers, formula etc for your friends/ relatives with babies?
    Who hates on babies? Stupid.
     
12.  Are you currently dating a married man? Have you dated one before or are entertaining thoughts of becoming a mistress?
    Yes? We are setting the dogs on you. Marriage wrecker.
     
     
    I won’t say too much sh*t seeing as my own head is heavy already. Honey, if you positively id with two or more of the above situations, you are what Cosmo calls ‘an actively searching female’. But that’s Cosmo and that is the language they use to keep you buying their magazine year in year out. What you are is a desperate female searching for a husband. The good news is that it has nothing to do with you, blame it on a generation of men that fear the commitment word. Stop all this madness, life is for living; not for wasting looking for non- existent husbands! Enjoy while it lasts.