WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND BECOMES A FEMINIST

I’ll preface this article by stating that my longest relationship finally went on its knees and I have a sure feeling it has something to do with my opinionated Feminist self. I avowedly ID myself as a Feminist and strongly believe that gender egalitarianism is an ideology every human being should push for. While this article is purely anecdotal to my own experiences as ‘tween’ feminist in the dating circles, it does somehow shed light on what is is like to be in a relationship with a feminist and what we tween feminists are all about.

Those who have read a few books know that Feminism is a multi- faceted ideology especially on the African continent with all the conflicting cultural settings. It basically calls for the equal treatment of all human beings. I’ll not state which school of feminism ideology I subscribe to but it is something Mr. Boyfriend wants me to erase from my mind if our relationship is to continue. At the beginning he was really excited about my well thought out intellectual opinions on just about everything and my secure personality. It earned me some brownie points: he always insisted I tag along whenever his boys were around and of course they were all impressed that a 20- year old could sustain their kind of talk. It seems he liked it just that way- pointing out his trophy kick- ass girlfriend from a safe distance; when the kicking was directed to his a** though, hell broke loose.

Are we that stubborn?

I just like to believe we were all given brains so that we could think on our own. The most independent aspect of me has to be my thought process. It therefore comes naturally that my opinion be considered in any decision we make as a couple. No one understands better how frustrating ‘consultation’ can get like our old man Mwai Kibaki. I overruled any decisions made without prior consultations and this simply meant one thing: we could never really move forward. I am all for respect and compromise being both- ways. Somehow Kenyan men are socialized to make decisions without consulting the women in their lives, something I find rather unsettling. I refuse to be used as a mere prop in a relationship. Oh, it’s not only in romantic relationships where I think my thoughts are valid, just ask my friends who always wins arguments. Mr., I know it bruises your ego every time I ask to give an opinion on every decision you make but hey, am from the Feminist Faculty! Even the good book says that ‘two heads are better than one.”

Admissions currently ongoing!

Miss ‘know it all’

Some people are of the idea that Feminists are generally smart women. Well, seemingly smart women like Margaret Thatcher did not subscribe to the Feminist ideology. I think feminism and one’s level of education are independent things and the fact that most feminists sound smart is purely coincidental or due to the fact that many generally like to read. I have always stood up for my own and strongly believed in the cause even before I had a full grasp of what life is all about. I consider myself a widely read person and chances are I have an opinion on just about everything. News time was some kind of hell for him as I was always armed with opinions about the headlines. He didn’t like how seamlessly I transitioned from a debate on the Finance Bill to matters football. Am not the type that’s eager to rub my opinions on people’s faces, it’s not even part of the feminist ideology! I only strongly believe people should independently analyze situations to make & defend their own views. Trying to dismiss my opinions as ‘feminist- driven’ is not only sexist but misplaced too!

Oh yes, feminists can cook

One of the reservations my ex had about my beliefs is whether they prevented me from stepping in the kitchen. He was pleasantly surprised to know that I had no qualms about hitting the kitchen but there was a catch: it was never to be obligatory. Am not the type of woman who feels like they’re in heaven while in a kitchen and I won’t even try to justify that. On those days I felt beat, I would slump on the sofa with full expectation that he would hit the kitchen too. Its common sense, I cannot possibly slave myself when am already tired. Unlike people who aren’t feminists who believe in slaving for their men at all costs, I believe responsibilities should be shared accordingly. I do not advocate for female chauvinism but I think men should be responsible adults too capable of doing for themselves things like laundry and cooking instead of merely depending on women to do it for them.

Bring it on!

Ambition is priceless

There is more to life than men, there has to be. My life does not rotate around men or the idea of ultimately nailing a man. Am quite content with pursuing other areas of interest in my life with equal if not more zeal. He just didn’t get what the fuss was all about. I was chasing opportunities all over, reading all manner of books and my list of to- achieve things kept growing longer. One day I was all about writing a blog and when that was done I wanted to write for a local paper and when that was achieved too I mentioned something about wanting to research and write a policy brief on the prevention of gender- based violence and sexual crimes in local campuses. He thought I had truly gone mad! “Who are you to do such a complicated thing?” He posed on the night I mentioned to him my latest dreams. I didn’t feel crushed but it hurt that he thought my ambitions were next to crazy. Am well aware of the fact that am still a broke college girl who should be working on her transcripts but hey, as someone once sang, "ambition is priceless". Feminism has taught me to dream beyond the limits set by gender stereotypes and that sort of thing and that is exactly what I do, with or without the blessings of my boyfriend.

Women are not born, they’re made

One of my best feminist authors has to be Simone de Beauvoir, she’s a French Feminist known for authoring books like  The Second Sex and other material that greatly contributed to the feminist philosophy. Controversial as her personal life may have been, her contribution to the feminist cause cannot be ignored. The notion that nature intended certain roles for specific genders is preposterous to those of us who subscribe to her school of thought. “It takes the effort of someone to make another person the other”, women are ‘the other’. This perhaps best describes my decision to become a feminist. With that in mind, do not expect me to be the conventional girlfriend. I have a clear description of who I am and what I want in life and in the relationship, some of which may border on rebellion. I simply refuse to fit in the traditional description of a woman- submissive and passive, stupid even. That idea was created by someone and it could as well be uncreated by me of course. Anytime you wonder why I, your loving feminist girlfriend do not fit in traditional female roles, scroll up here.

Simone de Beauvoir

Surprise, surprise! We aren’t going Dutch!

Yeah I know, feminism and independence are supposed to be Siamese twins joined right at the hip. Then there’s the dogma that Feminists are rich, influential, Caroline Mutoko- like women who buy islands for their partners to prove they’re feminists. There existed nothing like splitting bills or me picking up the tab to prove that am a feminist while dating my ex. Double standard, right? I never really expect a guy to pick up the tab but I totally appreciate him doing so! Am strictly speaking for myself here and there is a valid reason: my college budget just couldn’t allow me to pay dinner bills at the kind of restaurants he used to take me to but if we were doing chapo madondo at Mama Ciku’s, I would gladly flex my feminist muscle and pick the tab! There was no way of getting his uptown stomach to eat at Mama Ciku’s and there goes the story of us missing the Dutch flight.

There were positives though; I do not dig the whole Valentine’s and anniversary gifts drama and so he got to breathe easy on such days. One thing is sure, am working my a** off every day to provide for my own needs, nothing breeds resentment from a man faster than financial dependence on him.

Feminists are not bitter/ angry/ victims/ man- haters

Most people hold the asinine thought that feminists are be bitter, bra- burning women with a bad history with men. Ours is just an ideology backed by several books we have read and our own personal contributions to the cause. We appreciate humanity and are the few bold women willing to be assertive for what we believe to be the right cause in a world full of misogynists. We do not fear housework either! Speaking for myself again, I became a feminist long before I started dating and my experiences with men if any do not inform my stance.Oh, feminists do not hate men either! There does exist male feminists as well and most have been vocal about their support for the cause too. We have passion for the cause because we believe in its potential to better human lives.

Some people just get it wrong!

 

Feminists make interesting lovers!

I know my good friend Nyoiro would dismiss this thought as akin to saying that bees make interesting house guests! For real people, think of a girlfriend without the usual drama that some women have. No nagging- we believe you are mature enough to get things once. No whining about our body sizes and things like that- we are confident and secure people. We are totally intelligent- conversations will be way more interesting. We have no inhibitions when it comes to trying out new things and taking risks. We have other interests- this means we have a life apart from the relationship and we won’t spend all our time bothering you with questions of your whereabouts! Above all we are not scared of being single so clinging involved.

Everyone needs Feminism!

With all these positive aspects of Feministic women, you may wonder, why did my relationship end? Well, I mentioned something to him about not being keen on dropping my maiden name upon marriage and my intention to give all of my progeny my surname. He thought I was kidding and rebuffed it with a sexist joke. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how the cookie crumbled. My children will bear the name Lumadi and that’s not debatable!

FRIENDS WITH ‘BENEFITS’: WHO REALLY BENEFITS?

Sex is no doubt a major factor in most young people’s relationships today. An interesting trend that is however shaping relationships or acquaintanceships on campus today is the ‘friends with benefits’ or f.w.b factor. This is supposedly a ‘no strings attached’ arrangement where the parties involved are only available for each other sexually; no emotions or getting all mushy and lovey dovey. Just plastic, lusty sex and the deal is done, till next time. No texting or calling to complement each other afterwards or anything that borders on commitment. To them, love is considered an illusion for the weak and the naïve. This mostly happens between people who are already friends and yeah, ex lovers. For ex’s however, I believe there is the whole point of sex for closure and finally learning to let go, anything past that then qualifies to be f.w.b.

While randomly chatting in a friend’s room, one of her roommates revealed that she was still a virgin. We asked for her views on the ‘f.w.b’ subject and to say that she reeled back in horror will be an understatement. To her sex is a sacred act only to be shared with those who are truly loved under the cover of marriage, how refreshing! You should have seen the envy on many people’s faces as she went ahead to narrate the ‘I-will-be-broken-my-virginity-on-our-wedding-night-in-Bahamas’ fantasy that we all once had at some point! So it is not everyone who shares in the random sex idea on campus, very encouraging news indeed. My major concern however, is those who believe in it and have at some point been or currently are parties to this arrangement as well as those planning to enter into it. To the ladies mostly, are you really benefiting or are merely lying to yourself with the hope that something will grow out of the arrangement? Think hard about it.

Women are extremely emotional people; we attach meaning to everything that happens, up to and including sex. So how does it work for women in these arrangements? I refuse to believe that there are normal women who would have plastic sex and walk out without any tiny string attached, forget the girls on the streets, that is a different ballgame altogether. If you keep sleeping with the same guy for some period of time, chances are that there is this one characteristic about them that you will like and find difficult to forget. Like you love how he strokes his chest while talking and find it extremely attractive! Or you like the way he walks. Piece these little details together and you will find yourself in a catch-22 situation where you have fallen for your ‘f.w.b’ who does not share those feelings. How will you handle that?

 I was also made to understand that the men in these ‘f.w.b’ arrangements are not big on matters foreplay, how crude! One thing that was synonymous among us as we talked about the subject is that foreplay is a major factor to all women. Fine, we may like the idea that you are lusting after us but then there is this bonding that comes with kissing and the whole foreplay thing that all women need. We have to feel secure with you first before letting you have a taste of the kingdom! So when a woman is in an arrangement where the ‘idiot’(allow me to use the term) comes and jumps on top of her and in three minutes they are done and are off, it is obvious that things are not right for her. There is also this ‘awkward’ moment that comes after you are done; it is during this moment that men should tell their women ‘sweet nothings’ to jerk them back to their senses and make them feel valued. Without this I do not know how one then musters the courage to do the ‘walk of shame’ from Kilimanjaro to Mak Box without feeling like a rug along the way!

So how exactly does one react when they are introduced to the guy’s other f.w.b’s? Do you protect your f.w.b territory as well? Do you ask them how he is with them? There is always this instinctive feeling in all women to mark their territories. For control freaks like me, put a man in my life and I will be dying to make my presence felt from what he wears to how much he weighs! That is how I mark my territory but then here is a situation where there is a whole man in your life whom you cannot influence even just a little? A woman has to have a bit of control and influence on the man in their life; it is just being a woman. I cannot imagine myself in a situation where I have to persevere being pivoted by a guy’s potbelly just because our f.w.b arrangement does not give me the power to ask him to lose weight! I would have to device a way to make you do it, like making you fall in love! Haha!

Here then comes the big question; is it possible for a f.w.b arrangement to premise in a relationship? At what point do the two of you finally decide to stop saying “f**k love” and embrace this warm and soft feeling of being in love? Or tragically, what happens should one of the parties in the f.w.b arrangement fall in love with another person? Do you just accept and move on or what exactly is the protocol for handling such a mess? How do you learn to start caring for a person who sometime back was just a sex object to you? I hear it is possible for men to sleep with women they hate, me thinks women who manage to do f.w.b also secretly hate this men! That would be the only way to pull off a ‘no strings attached’ relationship successfully without having to fall for the guy.

I do not mean to be mean to the guys but in as much as many of these illicit affairs always seem to be working to your advantage, do not celebrate just yet. When you are done being generous with your D and overworking it(I hear you are big on Viagra too!) with all these women and finally get married, here is to you suffering from a serious case of Erectile Dysfunction and failing to satisfy the most important woman in your life then! Here’s to her cheating on you with that guy you despise now because he is not as Macho as you are! Here’s to the juicy stories I will be hearing in the chama about so and so whose Johny is ‘dead’! Here’s to the ladies, finally! I will not even feel sorry for you because am sure I will not be the woman to deal with your woes then, you see, my kind of man is too  busy working on how to take care of me and our children in future, not fu***ng aimlessly like some crazy goat! And hopefully, it won’t be my optimistic vajo friend to deal with your ‘dead’ D in Bahamas either! Still thinking of keeping 10 friends with ‘benefits’? Cheers! Here’s to you!