WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND BECOMES A FEMINIST

I’ll preface this article by stating that my longest relationship finally went on its knees and I have a sure feeling it has something to do with my opinionated Feminist self. I avowedly ID myself as a Feminist and strongly believe that gender egalitarianism is an ideology every human being should push for. While this article is purely anecdotal to my own experiences as ‘tween’ feminist in the dating circles, it does somehow shed light on what is is like to be in a relationship with a feminist and what we tween feminists are all about.

Those who have read a few books know that Feminism is a multi- faceted ideology especially on the African continent with all the conflicting cultural settings. It basically calls for the equal treatment of all human beings. I’ll not state which school of feminism ideology I subscribe to but it is something Mr. Boyfriend wants me to erase from my mind if our relationship is to continue. At the beginning he was really excited about my well thought out intellectual opinions on just about everything and my secure personality. It earned me some brownie points: he always insisted I tag along whenever his boys were around and of course they were all impressed that a 20- year old could sustain their kind of talk. It seems he liked it just that way- pointing out his trophy kick- ass girlfriend from a safe distance; when the kicking was directed to his a** though, hell broke loose.

Are we that stubborn?

I just like to believe we were all given brains so that we could think on our own. The most independent aspect of me has to be my thought process. It therefore comes naturally that my opinion be considered in any decision we make as a couple. No one understands better how frustrating ‘consultation’ can get like our old man Mwai Kibaki. I overruled any decisions made without prior consultations and this simply meant one thing: we could never really move forward. I am all for respect and compromise being both- ways. Somehow Kenyan men are socialized to make decisions without consulting the women in their lives, something I find rather unsettling. I refuse to be used as a mere prop in a relationship. Oh, it’s not only in romantic relationships where I think my thoughts are valid, just ask my friends who always wins arguments. Mr., I know it bruises your ego every time I ask to give an opinion on every decision you make but hey, am from the Feminist Faculty! Even the good book says that ‘two heads are better than one.”

Admissions currently ongoing!

Miss ‘know it all’

Some people are of the idea that Feminists are generally smart women. Well, seemingly smart women like Margaret Thatcher did not subscribe to the Feminist ideology. I think feminism and one’s level of education are independent things and the fact that most feminists sound smart is purely coincidental or due to the fact that many generally like to read. I have always stood up for my own and strongly believed in the cause even before I had a full grasp of what life is all about. I consider myself a widely read person and chances are I have an opinion on just about everything. News time was some kind of hell for him as I was always armed with opinions about the headlines. He didn’t like how seamlessly I transitioned from a debate on the Finance Bill to matters football. Am not the type that’s eager to rub my opinions on people’s faces, it’s not even part of the feminist ideology! I only strongly believe people should independently analyze situations to make & defend their own views. Trying to dismiss my opinions as ‘feminist- driven’ is not only sexist but misplaced too!

Oh yes, feminists can cook

One of the reservations my ex had about my beliefs is whether they prevented me from stepping in the kitchen. He was pleasantly surprised to know that I had no qualms about hitting the kitchen but there was a catch: it was never to be obligatory. Am not the type of woman who feels like they’re in heaven while in a kitchen and I won’t even try to justify that. On those days I felt beat, I would slump on the sofa with full expectation that he would hit the kitchen too. Its common sense, I cannot possibly slave myself when am already tired. Unlike people who aren’t feminists who believe in slaving for their men at all costs, I believe responsibilities should be shared accordingly. I do not advocate for female chauvinism but I think men should be responsible adults too capable of doing for themselves things like laundry and cooking instead of merely depending on women to do it for them.

Bring it on!

Ambition is priceless

There is more to life than men, there has to be. My life does not rotate around men or the idea of ultimately nailing a man. Am quite content with pursuing other areas of interest in my life with equal if not more zeal. He just didn’t get what the fuss was all about. I was chasing opportunities all over, reading all manner of books and my list of to- achieve things kept growing longer. One day I was all about writing a blog and when that was done I wanted to write for a local paper and when that was achieved too I mentioned something about wanting to research and write a policy brief on the prevention of gender- based violence and sexual crimes in local campuses. He thought I had truly gone mad! “Who are you to do such a complicated thing?” He posed on the night I mentioned to him my latest dreams. I didn’t feel crushed but it hurt that he thought my ambitions were next to crazy. Am well aware of the fact that am still a broke college girl who should be working on her transcripts but hey, as someone once sang, "ambition is priceless". Feminism has taught me to dream beyond the limits set by gender stereotypes and that sort of thing and that is exactly what I do, with or without the blessings of my boyfriend.

Women are not born, they’re made

One of my best feminist authors has to be Simone de Beauvoir, she’s a French Feminist known for authoring books like  The Second Sex and other material that greatly contributed to the feminist philosophy. Controversial as her personal life may have been, her contribution to the feminist cause cannot be ignored. The notion that nature intended certain roles for specific genders is preposterous to those of us who subscribe to her school of thought. “It takes the effort of someone to make another person the other”, women are ‘the other’. This perhaps best describes my decision to become a feminist. With that in mind, do not expect me to be the conventional girlfriend. I have a clear description of who I am and what I want in life and in the relationship, some of which may border on rebellion. I simply refuse to fit in the traditional description of a woman- submissive and passive, stupid even. That idea was created by someone and it could as well be uncreated by me of course. Anytime you wonder why I, your loving feminist girlfriend do not fit in traditional female roles, scroll up here.

Simone de Beauvoir

Surprise, surprise! We aren’t going Dutch!

Yeah I know, feminism and independence are supposed to be Siamese twins joined right at the hip. Then there’s the dogma that Feminists are rich, influential, Caroline Mutoko- like women who buy islands for their partners to prove they’re feminists. There existed nothing like splitting bills or me picking up the tab to prove that am a feminist while dating my ex. Double standard, right? I never really expect a guy to pick up the tab but I totally appreciate him doing so! Am strictly speaking for myself here and there is a valid reason: my college budget just couldn’t allow me to pay dinner bills at the kind of restaurants he used to take me to but if we were doing chapo madondo at Mama Ciku’s, I would gladly flex my feminist muscle and pick the tab! There was no way of getting his uptown stomach to eat at Mama Ciku’s and there goes the story of us missing the Dutch flight.

There were positives though; I do not dig the whole Valentine’s and anniversary gifts drama and so he got to breathe easy on such days. One thing is sure, am working my a** off every day to provide for my own needs, nothing breeds resentment from a man faster than financial dependence on him.

Feminists are not bitter/ angry/ victims/ man- haters

Most people hold the asinine thought that feminists are be bitter, bra- burning women with a bad history with men. Ours is just an ideology backed by several books we have read and our own personal contributions to the cause. We appreciate humanity and are the few bold women willing to be assertive for what we believe to be the right cause in a world full of misogynists. We do not fear housework either! Speaking for myself again, I became a feminist long before I started dating and my experiences with men if any do not inform my stance.Oh, feminists do not hate men either! There does exist male feminists as well and most have been vocal about their support for the cause too. We have passion for the cause because we believe in its potential to better human lives.

Some people just get it wrong!

 

Feminists make interesting lovers!

I know my good friend Nyoiro would dismiss this thought as akin to saying that bees make interesting house guests! For real people, think of a girlfriend without the usual drama that some women have. No nagging- we believe you are mature enough to get things once. No whining about our body sizes and things like that- we are confident and secure people. We are totally intelligent- conversations will be way more interesting. We have no inhibitions when it comes to trying out new things and taking risks. We have other interests- this means we have a life apart from the relationship and we won’t spend all our time bothering you with questions of your whereabouts! Above all we are not scared of being single so clinging involved.

Everyone needs Feminism!

With all these positive aspects of Feministic women, you may wonder, why did my relationship end? Well, I mentioned something to him about not being keen on dropping my maiden name upon marriage and my intention to give all of my progeny my surname. He thought I was kidding and rebuffed it with a sexist joke. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how the cookie crumbled. My children will bear the name Lumadi and that’s not debatable!