9 MEMORABLE CAMPUS FIRSTS

1.    FIRST NIGHT OUT

First weekend in campus, you have lots of cash from parents, siblings, student loan and what have you. There is a general smell of freedom in the air and everyone is excited about the weekend. You are caught in this hype and off you go out of campus to experience your first night out without having to watch your back for hawk- eyed parents. You do not want to look like a greenhorn so you drink as much as is available and get your first lap dance from some hooker. Nothing good ever comes from this first night. Club brawls on this night leave students seriously injured while for others this is where the angel of death picks them from.

For freshmen, if you are going to have your first experience with alcohol, do not even think of doing binge drinking. Vodkas and any kind of cocktails are a no no. Grab a beer instead and pretend you have a thing for ‘mature’ drinks.

2.    FIRST CAMPUS BASH

Hot on the heels of the first night out is the freshman party that is held in most campuses ostensibly to welcome freshmen to campus. This night campus mafisis hit jackpots while many naïve freshman ladies get the infamous ‘baptism by fire’. That K.U banned this bash should tell the magnitude of damage this event causes. Everything from unprotected sex to outright rape happens on this night. For those who do not meet any misfortune however this night remains a memorable event, from the dancing to good music, they leave full of praises for the campus partying culture.

3.    FIRST CAMPUS CRUSH

You came, you saw, you fell in love bla bla bla… We all know how this kind of story normally turns out. The feeling of being in a sea of members of the opposite sex for the first time and falling for a certain fish however is memorable. The romantic walks around campus with hands held, booking for each other seats in lecture halls, wearing matching clothes (nkt!), sleepovers etc, oh the feeling of innocent love! Both of you swear you are inseparable and fill fb and twitter with childish romantic conversations and pictures. We all know this kind of lovebirds and love to hate on them, right? Well, I wonder why no one still holds hand while in 4^th year.

4.    FIRST ‘BEE STING’

A few weeks ago I came under fire from one of my friends for writing a ‘self- righteous’ piece that apparently hoisted me to the rank of the likes of Angel Gabriel. I will therefore tone down and make a small confession. My fb profile picture at around the time I was joining campus read: ‘Am proud to be a virgin’. Am not laughing so don’t either. I was sure my first ‘bee sting’ would be on some romantic island in the Bahamas- cool sea breeze, floating candles and all. No one bothered to tell me that I would experience the kind of love that would get me ‘giving in ways I would have never imagined to give myself’ before I enter marriage.

For those of us who got that really painful ‘bee sting’ while in campus, let’s all hang our heads in shame. You are lucky if it wasn’t on some small, squeaky hostel bed with a janitor to watch out for. This night is not to be remembered ladies, right? Let me move on to something else.

5.    FIRST HEARTBREAK

For purposes of this piece, bad is the new memorable. Hell hath no fury like a campus heart broken! The drama that follows first heartbreaks is always welcome comic relief especially for the known campus lovebirds that are on everyone’s radar. Sides are taken and the battle line drawn.  On such days you can be sure to get enough entertainment from the two on fb as they publicly air each other’s dirty linen so be sure to purchase enough mb’s!

 If given a chance am sure most of us would handle that first heartbreak the same way or even add a bit of salt and pepper in to it! The adrenaline rush as you exchange expletives at his place and the subsequent drama that characterizes campus break- ups is something to be remembered. Good thing is that everyone else is handling their heartbreaks that way too so there is no condemnation.

Bad for you if it comes during fourth year after wasting a whole four years you could have used to meet lots of other potential suitors on campus not to mention there is no time for drama at this stage!

6.    FIRST LAW ENCOUNTER

Did I frame that right? Ok, your first encounter with the law, precisely the first time behind coolers. Somehow campus life is ridden with many not so good experiences. You go out on a fine weekend to have fun with your friends and the next thing you know is that you’re nursing a nasty hangover at the government guest house with your friends. This is the time you will know who you true friends are seeing as you will have to part with a fine or be thrown behind bars for being ‘drunk and disorderly’ or violating Mututho laws.

Parents are the last people who should ever know about this turn of events. In fact they are never to know and so should the school administration lest they stumble upon your parents contacts and inform them about your jailbird status. The police are not your best friends while on campus; if not at the club they’ll still nab you during a campus riot.

7.    FIRST ‘JANITOR DATE’

There’s always someone watching, if not the police then it’s the snoopy janitor. Some of us have a small problem following rules so the trips to the janitor’s office are endless. From playing loud music, violating the ’10- 10’ rule, cooking in non- designated hostels you name it. We simply cannot enough of the janitor’s wrath.

The first encounter is hair -raising though, the tough talking janitor makes it clear that he’s going to book you on the disciplinary committee and you are reduced to begging for forgiveness before you finally part with a tidy sum for a bribe. Phew! You’ve got to give it up to janitors for knowing how to scare the hell out of naive freshmen.

8.    FIRST TRANSCRIPT

We came to campus primarily to study, right? After you have done all sorts of things to experiment your new- found freedom, the first transcript comes calling. Depending on the nature and extent of your experiments, this transcript is either a wake- up call or an affirmation that indeed you are in campus by merit. You soon realize a ‘D’ is not as good- sounding on your transcript as it is in a bedroom!

You aren’t beyond redemption after first year though, in most campuses first year marks do not count. Get better friends, visit the library more and kick out habits like over- drinking, heavy partying and you will be back on track. Wouldn’t campus be more fun though if someone abolished exams and the likes?

9.    FASHION FIRSTS

Admit it; you were not as fashion forward as you are now when you first joined campus. I know of people who first wore skinny jeans at school and keep them under lock when they go back home. What happened to the nice flowing skirts and dresses that people came wearing in first year? The weave fetish that ladies discover once they do a semester at school? For the gents, those mushaino pastor suits that you used to put on with sports shoes or that same shirt you wore the entire semester? Growth is a necessary thing though; feel good about your new- found sense of fashion. Should we talk about fashion firsts gone wrong on campus? No, let’s spare people that thrashing for today.

CAMPUS BREAK- UP: PART 2

Love breaketh even the strongest of women; just ask Rihanna the story of her life! The smart ones also become stupid for love. I am not talking about that crush you have on your pal’s girlfriend, ah ah. There is this intense feeling of attraction towards a particular person that is so stubbornly persistent and inexplicable at the same time. You are not sure whether to hate the person so much, scream their name, bite them so hard or just sit back and laugh it off! The sort of situation where you are on the brink of going crazy with thoughts because of a person, and  when that person leaves you feel this very painful burning sensation right inside your heart? Shout outs to all who have travelled down this road, you are not alone. Yeah, that is the kinda love I am talking about. This is the situation Sarah had found herself in. Her heart had given into pressure and finally broken into tiny pieces.

Her first impulse had been to wish the whole situation away and keep her head high like a big girl. A post-mortem of the relationship was quickly conducted between her and the girls where statements like ‘men are dogs/they are all the same/he is useless/ you deserve better’ etc were aired freely over copious amounts of alcohol. Hugs were given, tears shed and chocolates eaten to overcome the pain. Names of potential would be boyfriends were floated and it was decided, she would move on immediately! When you are a young lady with endless men knocking at your door daily, there should simply be no time for nursing heartbreaks, grab the next opportunity and move on. That was the common narrative from all of her girls. Girls will always be girls; always having each other’s backs during such situations.

Among the people who had been close to Sarah after the break-up was Rita. She was a friend of hers but like everyone else she had no clue about the affair till then. She would come to Sarah’s room every day, bring her food, walk her to class and in the evening she would stay behind to listen to Sarah’s endless rants and give her a shoulder when she cried. She would always try to keep Sarah cheery with her funny jokes and every now and then she would take her out to the local pub to drown her sorrows with alcohol. This is how it all began; an innocent moment of being there for a needy friend slowly grew into a lesbian passion that was so deep yet so wrong in many ways. During one of the nights when Sarah was inconsolable and crying endlessly at Rita’s place, those nights when missing Steve became too much to bear, things got heated. Rita had been hugging her tightly, telling her to calm down. She suddenly felt this electricity rush in her left boob, it was a ticklish and exciting feeling.  She slowly lifted Sarah up and carefully placed her on her laps.

They kissed slowly at first, almost shyly and guiltily. After sometime things normalized and it was all giggles and passion. Now two girls together sounds like a yummy sandwich, hmmm. They could both tell that they were enjoying it. For Sarah this seemed like just what she had been yearning for to fill the emptiness that Steve left. It was therapeautical. She felt the intimacy that the kissing and touching brought between them and wished that the moment could last forever. That night was the longest yet one of the most soothing for Sarah. They cuddled, kissed and did all sorts of naughty things together all night. They were not drunk; this was a very sober moment for them. Most importantly, they talked not about Steve or the break- up but about them. They were in love! Haha! How appropriate!

Sarah’s life took a sudden new twist. While she had always been reserved and quite principled, things began to spiral. She joined Rita in her endless off campus parties and drinking sprees and to her, she had finally reached. They would party all weekend and sometimes into the weekdays and to keep their affair a secret, they had to do their things out of campus. They were inseparable. Studies had taken the backbench and their priority was to enjoy each other’s company far away from the heartless world of men. Sarah had become hooked to alcohol and their lesbianism acts so much that she could not imagine a life without the two. She had completely forgotten Steve, at least so she thought. No one ever sensed the illicit affair between the two of them, they all knew they were just friends and the fact that Sarah was finally moving on was good news to everyone.

It was during one of those normal Saturdays when Sarah would randomly ‘crash’ at Rita’s place. They were ‘dating’ after all and they were free to visit each other without notice. There was something special about this particular day though, it was Rita’s birthday. She wanted to surprise her and had brought a bottle of Rita’s favorite wine and even personally baked a cake for her. She was looking forward to the night. Rita always made her happy. She was sweet and caring and to her this was something very special. It was around 5 in the evening and she was certain that Rita had no plans for the evening, she would have informed her.

She did not knock. She just turned the knob and walked inside. What she saw was a scene beyond her own comprehension; right there on the same couch where she and Rita had made love for the very first time, lay Rita and Molly! They were not just lying there watching t.v or something but were all naked doing the un-imaginable. How could she? All along she had known that Rita was loyal to her. How then could she cheat on her with the very woman who had made Steve leave her? How could she betray her like this? For a minute there was an awkward pin drop silence, then…

“Listen Sarah, you and I were very special but Molly, she is the bomb! I just wanted to introduce you to this world and help you feel better; I really cannot continue seeing you. Find another chick and move on. Molly and I have been an item for the longest time and it was her idea for me to start dating you so you would leave Steve alone for her. I am really sorry gal”

That is the much Rita said to her. That was one year down their lesbian relationship. Sarah could not handle the magnitude of the news and how casually Rita had delivered it. She dropped everything and left in a huff. It was happening all over again. She thought of herself, her miserable life, her alcoholic nature and her poor exam results due to her reckless behavior and wished for nothing but death. She was deep into the murk, alcohol, the lesbian parties and all. Blackmailing either Molly or Rita would mean trouble for her as well. She wanted to go somewhere far from college and cry her heart out. How could life be so unfair to her? She returned back to her room and took a bottle of Napoleon. It was a very sour moment for her.

She had let people hurt her for far too long. Molly had finally drawn the battle line. It was time to act like a big girl and sort this on her own. She knew better than to trust any of her friends again. She reached for her phone. She didn’t even need to think twice, she knew exactly what to say to him. “Want to see you at your place tonight, missed you baby”. The message was delivered to her ex, Steve. He replied almost immediately. It was going to be another long night; she dressed just as he had always liked it-something short and red; something seductive and provocative. She was going down the same road all over again only that this time; she had only one resolve-to get her heart unbroken by the one who started it all, at whatever cost.

“Un-break my heart,

Say you’ll love me again, undo this hurt you caused

When you walked out the door, and walked out of my life

Un-cry these tears, I cried many nights

Un-break my heart, my heart…”

That was the song that was replaying her in her mind as she left for Steve’s place. It was her final date with destiny.

CAMPUS BREAK- UP: PART 1

“Un-break my heart

Say you’ll love me again, undo this hurt you caused

When you walked out the door, and walked out of my life

Un-cry these tears, I cried many nights

Un-break my heart, my heart…”

Toni Braxton sang these lines in the famous song ‘Un-break my heart’; no doubt all time powerful lyrics for anyone experiencing a low concerning matters love; but this was not exactly what was playing on Sarah’s playlist that fateful morning. How was she to know that such a day would come and include the song on her playlist beforehand? Trey Songz’ ‘Heart Attack’ was playing instead. Anyone who has listened to the song knows how piercing the lyrics are, you could almost smash the radio when the song comes up!

 She could almost feel a heart attack coming. What was to be the most horrendous roller coaster of her life had just begun. Those who have ever experienced a heart break opine that the passion and pain that comes with it can only be compared to death. She had just gotten the text from him. Six cold words that were to see her plunge into emotional trauma and near alcohol abuse for the next three years. “I am done with you Sarah”. That is all he said; it all ended in a snap, just as it had began. She was not crying, but was in some sort of trance; almost as if wishing it was her imagination playing games on her. It was 5 in the morning; she had been up early to read for her exams until when she got the text.

Steve had dated her for almost six months now: by campus standards that can be rated as a mature relationship; one where almost everyone on campus knows that the two of you are an item. But this was not exactly the case with Steve and Sarah. There’s had been a special relationship; the sort that is hidden from the glaring public eye. Just something closely knit between the two of them. It was a Bill Clinton- Monica Lewinsky sort of arrangement. But that was not the issue now, what was disturbing her mind right now was that it was over and yes, it was partly her fault but still she was hurting. It was still a heartbreak regardless of who had caused it. Her love life had been a riot all through and just when she thought she had finally settled down, love pulled a fast one on her.

 She tried to recall the events of the previous night amidst the shock. They had quarreled over an issue; she had consequently done something out of anger; something that was to haunt her for the rest of her life. That is the weakness with women; they cannot hold back once their anger has been provoked. She knew it was over for good. He was not the kind of man that went back on his word. It should have been long over before it started, but she swore she loved him. He knew she had fallen for him so badly and he did all he could to start the relationship with her. She was not sure if he felt the same for her but nevertheless she just wanted him near, her feelings for him almost bordered on obsession; it was this intimate thing that she could not quite explain.

 He did not give her as much as she gave him, but still she just wanted him around.  Not that he was to-die-for or anything, he was just a random guy lucky enough to have two women love him at a go. He was your average player sort of guy. Not so good looking but likeable nevertheless. Unknown to her is that Steve had been using her as a cushion whenever he and Molly had fights, they were always fighting; you see, Molly was Steve’s main girlfriend, everyone knew they were an item but a man has to spread his seeds far and wide, right? That is the main reason he was with Sarah, just for the fun of it but she ended up falling for him. To him she was just one in the many women he was out to have random fun with.

Sarah was not necessarily his kind of girl; he was just not into her. She was a free spirit- the sort that is automatically very interesting in bed. That was just it; the free and randomly enjoyable sex is what he liked. Sex and love cannot however, be synonymous. The former satisfies the physical while the latter takes care of what all women wish for, emotional fulfillment.

 Steve could never love her, hard as he tried, he just could not do it. He wished he could even just a little to reciprocate her feelings towards him but he couldn’t. Molly was trouble; she was full of drama and very clingy but she is the one he loved and could not trade her for anything, not even Sarah; selfish, huh? Molly had been there for him through the most difficult of situations and knew a lot of his family secrets and to him this was a bond he could not just break anyhow; especially not for someone he had known in just six months. Like any kawaida campus guy he didn’t mind having some fun on the side though; he had never intended to make Sarah fall for him.

Sarah had been aware of all this all along: at least he had not lied to her. As she sat on her bed pondering about what had just happened, she was distraught. She could already feel the break up weighing down on her. She hated him for being so selfish and choosing Molly over her. Her female ego could not register this kind of defeat she knew it was going to tear her apart. All she wanted was a chance to show Steve how much he loved him but son of a gun had decided to end things because she had confronted Molly that night and ended up beating her badly.

 She had let herself down. She was the kind of lady who was respected by her peers and was quite smart. This however was about to be put to the very test as she undertook a rough journey of excessive alcohol abuse, tears, drama and lesbianism in an attempt to forget  him and move on.  Will she come out of this in one piece? Will she be able to find herself back after this? Is he even worth all the mess she caused herself? Most importantly, will he ever un-break her heart as Toni Braxton puts it in her song? The plot thickens in the second part coming up …

                                                    

IS CAMPUS DATING EUPHEMISM FOR PROSTITUTION? (With excerpts from Sue Maisha’s ‘Nairobi Nights’)

Not so long ago, before social space was suffocated by blondies like Huddah, there existed a smart hooker called Sue. Her blog ‘Nairobi Nights’ provided for entertaining yet deep and thought- provoking accounts of what twilight girls encounter while in line of ‘duty’. She narrated her K- Street tales with a rare kind of boldness that left moral police scampering for safety while men of different nationalities were attracted to her blog in droves like moths on a light. She broke down her escapades or episodes as she referred to them in a bare- knuckled manner, not as graphic as one would imagine of a prostitution blog but still with a raw creativity and smartness that left most of us glued to her blog.

Her blog profile intro read: “These are thoughts, observations and experiences from my prostitution world. Nothing of the soft, sympathy seeking topsy- turvy kind, but straight talk, hard facts and real anecdotes.”

And so for a year or so she built for herself a successful brand as a ‘prostitution blogger’ and even got sponsorship from some local and international online publishers to write several e-books on sex and prostitution. Sex sure does sell. She claimed to have been a Law student before dropping out in favor of prostitution. She set a personal best record of sleeping with a thousand men in her first year on the streets (she did ten years). Sue however stopped blogging claiming to have quit the streets after finding a regular job.

With the benefit of first- hand info about prostitution from Sue’s blog, I sought to draw parallels between that and what we perceive to be ‘relationships’ in mainstream dating especially within campus.

Excerpts from Sue’s blog will be in red text:

“When you earn a living having sex, like I do, it’s no longer sin. There is nothing to cause the adrenaline rush […] the other day a man in a new Jeep picked me around 10pm [...] “I want to report my wife” he said as we drove to the Central Police Station. The police are not our best friends and wherever possible we keep our distance. But here he was taking me, almost naked and with ‘prostitute’ written all over me, to a police station […] He drove straight to the compound, and parked near a bus whose passengers some two policemen were frisking. We had sex there. It didn’t last ten minutes, but it was the sweetest and most exciting sex I have had in a long time…”

Many of us in campus come from regular Kenyan families where religion and morality are deeply rooted. How many people however call sex between them and their girlfriends/ boyfriends fornication? In a relationship setting in campus, having sex is usually nothing to feel guilty or even give second thoughts about. What makes you different from Sue and her ilk when in a drunken stupor you and your guy decide to romp at a club’s parking lot? Does being in a relationship then make randy sex any different than when it is done by twilight girls? What is the difference between the guy having sex with his girlfriend and the one who picks one from the brothels or streets? Aren’t both driven by a common need for sex?

“There have been discussions about the politically correct way to refer to prostitutes […] The truth is however we don’t give quite a damn about how we are referred […] We actually refer to ourselves and to each other as Malaya; a name perhaps more crude than prostitute. But we are not the only Malaya, very many men in their 20’s and 30’s refer to their girlfriends as Malaya […] the underlying logic is that all women in a way or another are prostitutes. Very few, if any, women would say with a straight face that they never had sex even once with money or security component at the back of their minds. We so called prostitutes are the brave ones to come out in the open and stop beating around the bush; we are in it for the money, the pleasure is secondary…”

There you have it ladies. Sue in her characteristic un- apologetic and non- sentimental fashion bared facts for all of us. Truth be told, most men would rather think of you as their sex toy than their future wife, that’s if there is any glimmer of hope that he’ll end up marrying you. All that men want from you is sex, the rest are just formalities imposed on them by fire- breathing feminists. “Hi Velma, your blog is very creative, I like it!”- He secretly wants to sleep with me. “I like how graciously you walk!”- He’s wondering what other maneuvers my body can do.

Basically the first thing that comes to a man’s mind when a woman is mentioned is sex. And the same way he is sleeping with you is the same way he will pick a girl from the street to sleep with her. Money, money, money! All women light up at the mention of this scarce resource. In college the incentive for sleeping with a boyfriend is normally free regular meals and or drinks, credit, cash and other whatnots. Notice how you normally sulk when your boyfriend shows up at your door with no goodies like some shopping or chocolate?! That is prostitution right there, there is no other way to refer to the act of pegging an incentive on sex. If a girl asks money from a boyfriend and for some goddamned reason he is unable to do so, chances of being denied the honey pot for days or weeks are very real. You are making him pay for it sweetie and that’s prostitution right there.

“Men in their 30’s and 20’s are a weird lot. They are most likely to swindle a prostitute for no good reason other than thinking it is macho to do so. They are also with ego problems. They want a girl to scream, moan and cry in bed […] When a girl is indifferent they feel lesser men […] A man picked me yesterday, near Kengeles, at around one in the morning. We agreed on a figure of two thousand shillings, only to say he only had half the amount […] I wasn’t sure whether he was lying but by virtue of his age, he looked early thirties, probably he was. So I didn’t fake an orgasm, like I usually do. I just stared blankly at the man as he panted, thrusting on top of me. Not a sound left my mouth, my body didn’t twitch and I didn’t smile. It was my way of getting back at him for shortchanging me. As I was clapping inside, looking at him getting frustrated on realizing he wasn’t having an effect on me […] But I have to make good men feel great. I fake the pleasure; I wiggle, get into fits and cry out their name. Do that to a man and he won’t feel a pinch when you ask for more cash […] I have noted men react in two ways when a girl is indifferent… First, the man will dislike the girl and never want to see her again. They dare not bruise their egos again. Second the man might want to redeem himself and his ego by sleeping with the girl again, hoping and praying the girl responds positively […] After our last round of sex and ready to leave I said to him “That your thing disappears inside me, I can’t feel it at all.”

If you truly loved a guy would he ever have to live with the constant fear that he probably doesn’t match up to your sexual expectations and that you’re probably discussing that with your girlfriends? I know of many a frustrated man in college who have been held at ransom in relationships either because their gun shoots at low range or they are kihii. They are too embarrassed to leave knowing that they were lesser men and so they stick around and use all manner of tactics including dishing out cash to cover up for their shortcomings.

 A popular statistic carried out by Lord knows who seeks to hammer the final nail in the coffin by suggesting that 80% of women fake it. Some of my friends confess to faking it for various reasons and love is never part of it. Such women always wait for the guy to push any wrong button like cheating and they won’t hesitate to pull a Sue on them. Why all the manipulation if you claim to be in a relationship? The economics of using that tactic only applies where the desired results should inflict maximum psychological damage to a man while giving a woman an upper hand bargaining position. Hardly sounds like a relationship situation.

“In the formal companies the longer you stay the higher you rise, and the more your pay. In our trade on the streets; the opposite happens; your value decreases as your experience increases. Quoting five years of experience is a turn- off. Many a girl gets to prostitution telling themselves they won’t do it for more than a few months […] But a year goes and another still on the street. The optimal experience is about a year [...] after a year there is a plateau and then the downward curve starts.”

We have all heard of the gold rush that happens in campuses when freshmen join college. What makes men dump their girlfriends in senior classes for freshmen? Why is it that there will be more men running after you while in your freshman year than in final year? Why do women stick to quoting the numbers ‘one’ or ‘two’ when prospective boyfriends inquire about the number of men they’ve slept with? If one is a virgin the easier it is to nail any guy. The parallels in this case are too clear for me to offer any more insight.

While money is good, there is a potential danger if it is the only motivation to get into a relationship. Some liberal women say that sio sabuni yenye itaisha; I beg to differ. After several years or months of sleeping with a guy one does not love (or one who does not love them), it can become both psychologically and physically maxing. Enduring ugly habits like cheating or physical violence all for money is the easiest way to get a front row ticket to hypertension and eventually unhappiness. If sex is the only thing that keeps your relationship going, you might want to refer to yourself as a prostitute, that’s if he hasn’t referred to you as that already.

                                        *****

Am still intrigued by the 80% women that fake it statistic. That means that only 20% of men got game. No comment.