21 AND OVER? SINGLE? THIS IS FOR YOU

 

This article is for women who fit in the above- mentioned category. Ladies, welcome to the members club. Feel free to order for anything, bill on me. I am normally a teetotaler but for today I’ll be having a triple dry Martini. I suggest you do double tots and above too, this is not a story fit for the sober mind. This is a story we should all forget once we are sober and back to our lives, inspired by the Oprah Winfrey show. This is not a story ‘True Love’ will ever tell you. It is not a story ‘Eve Sisters’ will tell you. Nevertheless this is a story we all have to hear. All clear, I hope there is no man still around. Twende kazi:

 

Disclaimer: This article is in no way meant to suggest that all that women should do on earth is fight to escape singlehood. It is still the story of our lives though. I am assuming all the women participating in the quiz are straight and easy on the eye.

 

Quick questionnaire. All sections have to be filled clearly in capital letters, bold and underlined where necessary. Blanks will not be entertained.

 

1. When was the last time a total stranger hit on you, asked for your number and invited you out for a REAL DATE? (Please stay informed that ‘total stranger’ does not include men on social media, men you met in bars, married men, colleagues or schoolmates).

If it’s more than three months ago take your first shot within two seconds and feel free to say any cuss word. What a misogynistic world we live in!

 

1. Do you suddenly feel empowered to hit on men too? When was the last time you hit on a guy? (This includes conscious flirting, unnecessarily complementing him, offering to cook/ clean for him etc).
   If your response is positive, make your drink a triple and ask for lemon slices from the bartender.
    
2. Do you have a gang of girlfriends you hang out with regularly? Do you have ‘ladies night/day out’ where you spend time trashing your ex’s and men in general?
   If you answered in the affirmative, you should get a front row seat as the session proceeds. Feel free to start drinking your Vodka straight from the bottle.
    
3. Do you suddenly feel empowered to have several random flings purely for sex? Are you warming up to the idea of ‘friends with benefits’? Do you objectify men?
   If yes please move to the counter.
    
4. When was the last time you got a freebie from a man out of pure kindness? I am talking free drinks at the club, unsolicited airtime/cash, offer to pay bus fare etc?
   If you find yourself creasing your forehead to answer this question please proceed swiftly to the next question.
    
5. How busy is your phone apart from work- related matters? (Please let’s kindly keep juvenile things like WhatsApp/FB/Twitter notifications out of this). Does your phone only get busy during weekends as team mafisi look for random women to kill the cold with? Do the supposed men who hit on you only call and text during weekends or holidays?
   Positive? Drink on sister, drink on.
    
6. How is your dress sense now compared to say, 3 years ago if below 25 and at least 7 years ago if above 25? Would you describe your fashion sense as bold? Are you daringly showing more skin now?
   Showing more skin? You should be crawling back to your seat.
    
7. How many concerts have you attended so far with the sole purpose of getting a possible boyfriend? Do you hang out more solely to get hit on by men?
   Your fears affirmed? Your leg should be resting on a crate of cold Whiskey by now.
    
8. Are you quick to read/watch/listen to material that purports to be ‘relationship advice’? Wait, how quickly did you click on this link?!
   If you are a ‘relationship advice’ junkie, you are in a good position for the honors today, proceed on.
    
9.  Do you get critical anytime you are invited for a wedding? Do you find yourself making divorce- related or any negative statements about the newly- weds at weddings?
    
   Yes? Silly, marriage was ordained by God not you.
    
10.  Do you ‘hate’ love? Do you make statements to the effect that love is an illusion/ non- existent etc? Do you say things like ‘love is a decision, not a feeling’ etc?
    Do you honey? This is bad news.
     
11.  Do you hate getting invited to baby showers? Do you think it is becoming a tad too common and is ‘interfering’ with your schedule? Do you find yourself asking when you’ll have your own baby too when shopping for diapers, formula etc for your friends/ relatives with babies?
    Who hates on babies? Stupid.
     
12.  Are you currently dating a married man? Have you dated one before or are entertaining thoughts of becoming a mistress?
    Yes? We are setting the dogs on you. Marriage wrecker.
     
     
    I won’t say too much sh*t seeing as my own head is heavy already. Honey, if you positively id with two or more of the above situations, you are what Cosmo calls ‘an actively searching female’. But that’s Cosmo and that is the language they use to keep you buying their magazine year in year out. What you are is a desperate female searching for a husband. The good news is that it has nothing to do with you, blame it on a generation of men that fear the commitment word. Stop all this madness, life is for living; not for wasting looking for non- existent husbands! Enjoy while it lasts.