FRIENDS WITH ‘BENEFITS’: WHO REALLY BENEFITS?

Sex is no doubt a major factor in most young people’s relationships today. An interesting trend that is however shaping relationships or acquaintanceships on campus today is the ‘friends with benefits’ or f.w.b factor. This is supposedly a ‘no strings attached’ arrangement where the parties involved are only available for each other sexually; no emotions or getting all mushy and lovey dovey. Just plastic, lusty sex and the deal is done, till next time. No texting or calling to complement each other afterwards or anything that borders on commitment. To them, love is considered an illusion for the weak and the naïve. This mostly happens between people who are already friends and yeah, ex lovers. For ex’s however, I believe there is the whole point of sex for closure and finally learning to let go, anything past that then qualifies to be f.w.b.

While randomly chatting in a friend’s room, one of her roommates revealed that she was still a virgin. We asked for her views on the ‘f.w.b’ subject and to say that she reeled back in horror will be an understatement. To her sex is a sacred act only to be shared with those who are truly loved under the cover of marriage, how refreshing! You should have seen the envy on many people’s faces as she went ahead to narrate the ‘I-will-be-broken-my-virginity-on-our-wedding-night-in-Bahamas’ fantasy that we all once had at some point! So it is not everyone who shares in the random sex idea on campus, very encouraging news indeed. My major concern however, is those who believe in it and have at some point been or currently are parties to this arrangement as well as those planning to enter into it. To the ladies mostly, are you really benefiting or are merely lying to yourself with the hope that something will grow out of the arrangement? Think hard about it.

Women are extremely emotional people; we attach meaning to everything that happens, up to and including sex. So how does it work for women in these arrangements? I refuse to believe that there are normal women who would have plastic sex and walk out without any tiny string attached, forget the girls on the streets, that is a different ballgame altogether. If you keep sleeping with the same guy for some period of time, chances are that there is this one characteristic about them that you will like and find difficult to forget. Like you love how he strokes his chest while talking and find it extremely attractive! Or you like the way he walks. Piece these little details together and you will find yourself in a catch-22 situation where you have fallen for your ‘f.w.b’ who does not share those feelings. How will you handle that?

 I was also made to understand that the men in these ‘f.w.b’ arrangements are not big on matters foreplay, how crude! One thing that was synonymous among us as we talked about the subject is that foreplay is a major factor to all women. Fine, we may like the idea that you are lusting after us but then there is this bonding that comes with kissing and the whole foreplay thing that all women need. We have to feel secure with you first before letting you have a taste of the kingdom! So when a woman is in an arrangement where the ‘idiot’(allow me to use the term) comes and jumps on top of her and in three minutes they are done and are off, it is obvious that things are not right for her. There is also this ‘awkward’ moment that comes after you are done; it is during this moment that men should tell their women ‘sweet nothings’ to jerk them back to their senses and make them feel valued. Without this I do not know how one then musters the courage to do the ‘walk of shame’ from Kilimanjaro to Mak Box without feeling like a rug along the way!

So how exactly does one react when they are introduced to the guy’s other f.w.b’s? Do you protect your f.w.b territory as well? Do you ask them how he is with them? There is always this instinctive feeling in all women to mark their territories. For control freaks like me, put a man in my life and I will be dying to make my presence felt from what he wears to how much he weighs! That is how I mark my territory but then here is a situation where there is a whole man in your life whom you cannot influence even just a little? A woman has to have a bit of control and influence on the man in their life; it is just being a woman. I cannot imagine myself in a situation where I have to persevere being pivoted by a guy’s potbelly just because our f.w.b arrangement does not give me the power to ask him to lose weight! I would have to device a way to make you do it, like making you fall in love! Haha!

Here then comes the big question; is it possible for a f.w.b arrangement to premise in a relationship? At what point do the two of you finally decide to stop saying “f**k love” and embrace this warm and soft feeling of being in love? Or tragically, what happens should one of the parties in the f.w.b arrangement fall in love with another person? Do you just accept and move on or what exactly is the protocol for handling such a mess? How do you learn to start caring for a person who sometime back was just a sex object to you? I hear it is possible for men to sleep with women they hate, me thinks women who manage to do f.w.b also secretly hate this men! That would be the only way to pull off a ‘no strings attached’ relationship successfully without having to fall for the guy.

I do not mean to be mean to the guys but in as much as many of these illicit affairs always seem to be working to your advantage, do not celebrate just yet. When you are done being generous with your D and overworking it(I hear you are big on Viagra too!) with all these women and finally get married, here is to you suffering from a serious case of Erectile Dysfunction and failing to satisfy the most important woman in your life then! Here’s to her cheating on you with that guy you despise now because he is not as Macho as you are! Here’s to the juicy stories I will be hearing in the chama about so and so whose Johny is ‘dead’! Here’s to the ladies, finally! I will not even feel sorry for you because am sure I will not be the woman to deal with your woes then, you see, my kind of man is too  busy working on how to take care of me and our children in future, not fu***ng aimlessly like some crazy goat! And hopefully, it won’t be my optimistic vajo friend to deal with your ‘dead’ D in Bahamas either! Still thinking of keeping 10 friends with ‘benefits’? Cheers! Here’s to you!